The how and the why

Hmmm, how to start???
Okay, So I find myself sitting here Now 30 and a mom...holy cow how did all this happen? It seems like it was just yesterday my life was a mess, I was most likely nursing a hangover and in lust with some damaged jerk.
Now I am somebodies everything and he is also my everything. I have never been in love until now. He makes me a better person everyday. It is funny how not loving myself put me in a place where i was forced to love myself, to be an example for someone else. It almost feels like my life didnt truly start until about 5 and 1/2 months ago. Its funny how almost none of that bullshit from my past matters anymore. All it is is lessons. Everything I thought was a defining moment in my life pales in comparison to the birth of my son.

So the start of my new life starts off like many a single mother (now I have promised myself I would be totally honest on here) It was a night of too much drinking I made the decision to make that life changing phone call. I called him because i knew he was easy, i knew he wouldnt call me after and hopefully my ex would find out about it. Honestly I called because i didnt like him all that much, there was no chance i was going to get attached. The next morning I woke up more hungover than i could ever remember being. Sick and naked I let him have unprotected sex with me again, sealing our fate. I showered, shoveled pain killlers down my throat and kicked him out. I knew I had made a mistake, "why did I call him again", "ahh he is such a loser". I went on with my day just as I would have with any one of my past massive hangovers. Drifting in and out of sleep on my couch and running to the bathroom to throw up water until about 5pm. That was usually the time I was able to eat and drink coffee.

The next few weeks went on not seeming to be much different. I got a new roommate which was good for me, it kept the boys out. I was starting to get depressed again. Ever since Dad died I had been a mess. I lost my faith and seem to love myself less and less. I just fell into my work, I didnt seem to want to go out much lately. I felt fat and depressed "great just in time for summer". I went out here and there. In June my secret lover who i hadnt seen in 6 months actually asked me out on a real date. We went out had sex and he never called like he said he would. And again DEPRESSED "why do I keep letting these guys use me?". July was here and my mood were still all over the place I was determined to make the best of what was left of summer, I was to turn 30 this Aug. Mid July the cramping had been getting worse and my boobs really hurt. Maybe I will actually get my period it had been like a year. Well one night i decided to Google my symptoms I was afraid a cyst had burst. Everything kept saying pregnant, thats impossible "I cant get Pregnant!" The next day I went to work i was anxious all day. I had decided to buy a test after work. when I got to the drug store it felt different this time. I got a box with 2 in it cause it was on sale, I told myself if its negative im sure ill end up using the other one sometime.
I got home, peed and looked... 2 lines...WHAT! I kept looking at the box and then the stick. Positive? how could this have happen. I grabbed the bathroom counter i almost fainted. A friend was on her way i was doing her hair tonight. Oh my god! I told myself i wasnt going to tell anyone "I will just get it taken care of next week I have the money". I immedietly screamed for my roommate, then pointed to the stick. She just looked at me. I am the last person who needed a baby. That night I went to bed convinced I was getting a apportion. The next day i made the first of 2 appointments.  I had to wait 3 days, to get this thing started. My appointment was on a Tues and by Monday I had talked myself out of it. I had decided to go to the appointment, i had the choice I should be certain. Tues I heard my babies heartbeat and saw his weird looking body. I wasnt in love yet...to be continued